A beautiful trip report from an anonymous psychonaut who used MDMA and magic mushrooms and met what they describe as the Devine Feminine.
I can’t stop thinking about 'her', remembering. I don’t want to forget the images, the beauty, the magic.
My good friend Juliette held space for me. ‘Held space’. She became the space. The space held her also. It was holding us both in its arms. It felt as though the universe was loving me ‘through her’. I feel lost for words... !
Having fasted virtually 24 hours I had begun coming up on the MDMA almost immediately. Donning the eye mask and putting on the headphones I settled in to face my Inner demons. I was in a happy place and totally ‘loving’ the music I had put together for this journey when Juliette gently roused me and offered me the mushroom smoothie. Ninety minutes gone already. Most of my trepidation had dissolved by then, although I was, for a second, momentarily reminded of it, but it didn’t hang around. I was loving this journey, loving the music and loving me. ‘Yeah!’
I had been tripping hard for around four hours on 4 grams of dried Golden Teacher mushrooms, which I had ingested an hour and thirty minutes after ingesting 100 mg of MDMA when I encountered ‘her’ for the first time.
I always have very powerful closed and open-eye visuals when I journey but this was something else. At this point in the journey I had felt nauseous and opened my eyes to grab the small bucket I remembered was close by. I could see nothing except - this ‘substance’. It was like all objects existed within a space that consisted of jelly or a viscous material of some kind. It was like a three-dimensional overlay. It put everything out of focus. Juliette responded to my outreached arm by rushing over and asking if I was OK. I uttered, “I want to vomit.” I didn’t look at her then. I focused on the bucket she had placed deftly below my face. Nothing would come up. I asked for water. She handed me a glass, and this is when I noticed how the viscous material I was in, ‘we’ were in, contained a pattern. The pattern was the Flower of Life. I looked at the out of focus glass as she carefully helped me to grasp it in my own hand. I was trembling uncontrollably. She held my hand and helped me guide the glass to my mouth. As it came close to my face, I could see it more clearly. I still never looked at her face. I drank and then tried drinking some more, and I uttered something about Dragons demanding I get rid of my damaged Inner Child. I collapsed back into the sofa. I felt worn out.
Everything was too much trouble, too exhausting. I couldn’t be bothered with it. I went back into my journey. The bejewelled psychedelic Dragons sneered in a patronising manner at my feeling of exhaustion. They never actually called me a lazy bastard but that’s what it felt they were thinking of me. I remember arguing with myself whether it was important what these Dragons think of me. I had decided it wasn’t – but! There was something going on - regarding ‘avoidance’. It was a truth I wanted to face up to. The Dragons noticed that I had caught this and started mocking me saying things like “You just carry on sitting there doing nothing. Yeah, carry on sitting in your own shit. What are you doing this journey for anyway? Go on, remind us! ” Anger stirred me. Not anger towards the Dragons. Their opinion didn’t matter - even though they were right. I was angry with myself. I sat up and Juliette once again rushed forward as I reached toward where I knew the glass was sitting. She again placed it in my trembling hand. I chugged it down like a mad woman. She took the glass away and I instantly pushed my fingers down my throat. I was gonna show those fucking Dragons. ‘Really’ - I was gonna show myself. I retched, but nothing came up. I tried again reaching down further into my throat. It was too far, and I began choking on my own hand. Juliette intervened and stopped me. Taking my hand out of my throat she calmly asked me what I was doing. I said I need to get my Inner Child out. She’s destroying me. She’s no good for me. Juliette lovingly, but firmly, took both of my hands and knelt in front of me. This is when I noticed her face and the energy around her. The energy that was emanating from her. It was like it was her ‘true self’. She looked like a great psychedelic work of art. With the viscous material between us, at first glance she was like a black and white photograph, but has she looked at me and began speaking to me she became alive with vibrant colours. Her facial features fluctuated between skeletal and Warrior-goddess. I saw amethyst coloured tribal marking along her cheekbones, forehead chin and mouth. Her eyes were covered with a dense electric blue energy visor/shadow that became bluer as she spoke directly to me. Her real eyes were somewhere inside. I couldn’t see them. Her words were words of love and compassion for me, and as she spoke them the tribal markings became more vivid and almost appeared to be not painted on but more like a static energy - like an aura of armour. At the same time the armour was ‘love’. Above and around her head she had lots of symbols circling slowly around. There were cerise spears, silver arrows and axes within a pink energy aura. Higher up – suspended in space beyond the ceiling was a huge mandala of energy. This too contained symbols and patterns. She gently asked me to explain what was so bad about my Inner Child that I needed to reject/eject her. But I just wanted to tell her what I was seeing. What ‘she’ looked like. She tilted her head slightly to one side and looked questioningly at me but realised this was ‘my’ space and she stopped speaking so that I could tell her what I was seeing. When I told her she smiled, and as she smiled her colours became more powerful and brighter; stronger in energy. I instantly had knowledge and told her she was ‘all’ cultures.
She smiled more. I knew she wasn’t just Juliette. She was ‘everything’. She looked timeless to me. I somehow recognised her. She always has been and always will be. For want of a better way to describe her I must use the term ‘Divine Feminine’ or ‘Divine Mother’. It was like the universe was loving me through her. I was mesmerised. She was an embodiment of the universe’s love. I was drinking in her love and feeling compassion for myself, for my Inner Child. We spoke about my Inner Child and why I felt she needed to go for some time.
Because of the trusting friendship we have, through Juliette the Divine Mother helped me to uncover a lot of deeply buried stuff that night. I was able to help myself by being reminded of how my Inner Child had learned to survive and how I had become a Warrior myself. Juliette was a Warrior also. That’s why the Divine Mother was able to communicate with me through her. We had both been born into ‘war zones’ - circumstances that were hostile and offered no protection, because those who were meant to protect us were at war with each other, and themselves.
Through this journey I have come to understand the Warrior Archetype as being another aspect of my Shadow. The negative energy from my mother and her mother. They protected themselves through rejection. The Inner Child I was trying to reject was in fact my mother’s Inner Child. I didn’t need to reject, or ‘eject’ her. I was able to discover and integrate my own Natural Child. She was able to stand up and thank the Inner Child of my mother and tell her “It’s OK to step aside now. It’s time for me to be ‘me’.”
And finally. I am so grateful and blessed to have Juliette as my closest friend and confidant. I love her so very much and I feel eternally indebted to her for sticking by me through my ugly and crazy. We are both advocates for drug policy reform. We have both experienced immense benefits from using psychedelics responsibly. We are not that special. If we are able to do it then so are many others. If, like Juliette and me, you have been struggling most of your life with mental health/emotional/personality problems that neither doctors, medication nor talking therapies have been of help for, learn everything you can about psychedelic medicine. Learn how psychedelic plants have been used all over the world on every continent since the dawn of humankind. Learn everything you can about the research that is going on currently with MAPS.org, the Beckley Foundation and many other research organisations. Connect with others who advocate for the return of psychedelic medicine, and never do them alone. Always have someone who is experienced and trustworthy to hold space and support you. Blessings. DMT.
Photo credit alextooth.com